God
Note: I unpublished this entry a year ago or so because it upset a few people whom I regretted upsetting. I now think enough time has passed that I can republish it here on the back pages of my blog and not ruffle any feathers. I'd like to make it clear that this entry does not necessarily reflect my current beliefs, writing style, or vision for this blog.
-DM, June 2011
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During my youth my mother was very open minded about her spirituality. Healing crystals, power orbs, pyramid-shaped glass wishing-chambers, all of these things were common around my house growing up. My mum frequented New Age message boards and websites, read books about Wicca and the power of three, and talked about it all so much that my dad used to warn me if mum was doing what he called her "oogly boogly stuff" so I'd know to keep my distance.
My mum's pursuit of these obscure spiritual paths did not extend beyond day-tripper status until she began going on excursions with her masseuse-turned-friend Terri. It began innocently enough, with the two women accompanying one another to what I like to call oogly boogly Tupperware parties, where they sat around and listened to people play acoustic guitar and talk about how a quartz stone around their necks cured their irregular heartbeat. My mother's participation in these evenings ended rather abruptly after the time when a small drum was thrust into her hands, which she was encouraged to play while a group of wannabe weekend hippies danced nude around a campfire.
Now I could likely write for many many paragraphs about how I imagine that scenario unfolded, and ruminate upon my poor mother's undoubtedly hilarious reaction, but this is my blog, and I want to talk about me, because I am the most interesting person in the entire world. So there.
As everyone reading this likely knows, I am a support-worker for special needs children and young adults, and it is the best job I have ever had (narrowly edging out my glamorous past positions as a stable boy, a dishwasher and a landscaper). Every Wednesday evening, I have been asked to take one of my clients to a Church youth group. As I said earlier, I was not raised in a particularly religious home, and my Christian education is certainly lacking, so I actually felt a little nervous going there for the first time. I don't know exactly what I felt so nervous about, (perhaps that they'd shine a spotlight on me and quiz me on the Psalms) but, whereas normally I like to own all the attention in any room I enter, this time I tried to shrink back away from what I perceived to be judgmental eyes.
I was sure that from the moment I entered the church, all the people there knew I wasn't a Christian. Everyone there was so pious and passionate about God, and I couldn't stop going back through the memories of the things I've done in my life that are decidedly unchristian. So I sat and I listened to the discussion and helped my client join in their games. The age of the people there ranged from about 14 - 23, not including the pastor and his wife, so, although I fit right in with them in terms of my age, as far as my knowledge of the scriptures went, I was (and am) practically an infant.
When it comes to God and faith, I have been less-than-respectful throughout my life. By 6th grade I had decided that God wasn't real and the bible was fictional. This allowed me to become a very successful liar amongst the rest of the children in my class. Whilst the words "I swear to God" meant something to them, to me it was just a way to get away with something I did not want to own up to. For example: "I swear to God it wasn't me who threw the snowball at you, Ben!" was more than enough for Ben to believe that I was innocent of pelting him with snow (when, in fact, I was very guilty of the infraction).
In high school, as some of my friends may recall, I was very outspoken and prone to making shocking statements. I thought it was funny to say things that made people cringe, or blush, or fall silent, or all three at once. One of the easiest ways I found to do this was to make jokes at the expense of religious beliefs. I'm not going to dignify what a prick I was by reprinting those statements here, but rest assured they crossed more than a few lines.
Anyway, back to the youth group, where my past exploits and my mocking jokes at the expense of the almighty flooded through my brain in the presence of these holy youngsters. These kids love God. I mean, these kids really really love God. When they speak about Him and what He means to them, their voices quiver, their eyes fill up with tears, they choke for breath and the half-moan-half-whisper they use when they speak is akin to what a premium phone-sex operator sounds like (or... so I'd imagine...). I wish I loved anything even half as much as these kids love being Christian.
After a few weeks of attending these gatherings, I began to feel comfortable enough to join in on the occasional discussion. The first time I stuck my hand in the air during discussion time went something like this:
Teenager: Can death metal music be Christian music?
Youth Leader: Raise your hand if you think a death metal band can be a Christian band.
*seven or eight people, myself included, raise their hand*
Youth Leader: Personally, I choose not to pollute my spirit listening to heavy music that may lead me into sin, what do you think, Pastor?
Pastor: If you choose to honour God, why would you choose to honour him in such a way? God does not want to be honoured by loud, angry music, he wants to be honoured with good singing and melodies.
Youth Leader: Who here still thinks that death metal music can be Christian?
*one hand shoots into the air... mine*
Pastor: Why do you think that, Dan?
I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot like that, I didn't expect to be the only one with his hand in the air, I really wanted to articulate how I felt about the issue at hand. I wanted to word it in such a way as not to offend these thirty relative strangers, but still to illustrate to the kids who raised their hands the first time that they weren't defective for liking death metal. This is what I came up with...
Me: Uhh those bands are... uhh... like really technically tight and...uhh.. like... uhh... the lyrics are passionate and stuff...
Fuck. Well there's goes any chance at making a good first impression on these people. Now I am the weird outsider who hangs out with the mentally challenged kid, loves death metal, and is better at sweating through his t-shirt than successfully articulating a thought. By the end of this discussion period, the leaders also told the kids that "a young Christian couple should never allow themselves to be alone together" and "a boy and a girl holding hands, although not a sin, should be avoided because physical contact can lead to sinning." And, while I was still reeling from those tidbits of holiness, I also learned the following things:
- Watching a movie rated above G is risky and should be avoided at all costs
- If you are in situation where a movie you are watching has swearing, drug use, alcohol abuse, or sexual innuendo, you should stand up and walk out
- All sins are equal, so a serial rapist burns for all eternity in the same hell as a ten-year-old who steals a bike
- Try to avoid becoming close friends with non-Christians, unless you are converting them, because when the rapture comes you don't want to watch the people you love suffer
- Odds are that the rapture will happen sooner rather than later
Despite that list and a few other gems (last week the quote "yes, school is good, but the scripture is so much more important. If it comes to doing your homework or your nightly scripture-reading session, the homework should be set aside" was one of my favourites), I admit that there is a palpable change in me whenever I am sitting in that church. When their (extremely talented and passionate) youth band plays, or when the pastor is leading us in prayer, something inside me always stirs, making me think that maybe the billions of people before me who have been "saved" may know what they are talking about.
The Bible is just far too open for interpretation, and the very essence of faith (believing without ever seeing or asking for tangible evidence of God) is hard for me to grasp. One of the quotes they showed during the alcohol discussion basically said "yeah it's fine for a Christian to consume alcohol, just not the get drunk." That seemed pretty straight-forward to me, but the pastor and a few of the youth leaders told the kids that they shouldn't even bother having one drink, because of the possibility that it may lead to getting drunk. Their reason for not going to PG or worse movies was "sure, some of them aren't tools of the anti-Christ, but a lot of them are, so why risk it?" Meanwhile, I thought the only thing Christians were supposed to fear is God?
Right now I think I am more open to religion than I have ever been in my entire life, and I hope that if there really is one true faith, that it touches me soon while that window is still open. I'd love absolution for my sins, too, only I don't feel enough guilt about them to sincerely ask for that yet. Anyway, if the almighty (whomever He or She may be) is reading my blog (and, really, who isn't reading my blog?), shoot me a spiritual text message sometime soon, I'd really appreciate it.
Posted by DannoMack at 4/5/2009 6:30 PM 
Categories: Non-Fiction
Tags: nude sins death metal spiritual bible god religion campfire dancing
Categories: Non-Fiction
Tags: nude sins death metal spiritual bible god religion campfire dancing
Reading this, I feel like I could've easily written almost every word of it myself. I love going to church with my Dad and his family. The music and the prayer and the overwhelming joy and faith that's in the room on Sunday mornings is mind-blowing. But just when I feel I'm really buying into the whole Christianity bit, someone says something that just rubs me the wrong way, and it's back to square one for me.
I believe in God; that much I know for sure. I can't look at Ryan and not believe that there's something magical out there; something more powerful than I can even begin to comprehend. And recently, I've started to believe in Jesus. There's enough documentation to prove that Jesus really existed, the question is whether or not he was truly the Almighty Son of God that the Bible claims he is. I used to ask myself, "If Jesus really was sent here by God to save us all, where's the proof?" But lately... I don't know. My perspective has changed drastically. Instead of asking how something like that's possible, I ask myself, "If God can give me flowers and sunshine anbd love and my son, why can't he send his own son to Earth?" I can't really come up with an answer as to why that isn't possible, so I guess I DO believe. Or at least, I'm on my way to believing.
I'm reading a book right now that I think you would enjoy. Actually, it's three books in one - Greatest Hits by Donald Miller, featuring Through Printed Deserts, Searching For God Knows What, and Blue Like Jazz. I'm not quite 100 pages into the first book, Blue Like Jazz, and already it's opening my eyes to so much with regards to faith and religion. I'll let you borrow it once I'm done, providing that you don't mind reading it when I've underlined certain passages and circled bits that caught my heart and made me think. I don't usually write in books (or ever, for that matter), but this one just screamed for it somehow.
This comment has gotten ridiculously long... perhaps I should start my own blog in response to yours?
Nah. I prefer this way much better.
Keep writing, and I'll keep reading.
Shawna.
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We are very similar in a lot of ways, Shawna. Although, while you think that having a baby is a miracle, I find it a miracle that I DON'T have one already!
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hahaha I find that a miracle, too!
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i still think dan's got one out there somewhere. just puttin it out there.
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What are you trying to tell me Michelle?
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Oh Dear. I Know How You Feel.
I Once Went To Church, Believe It Or Not!!! But Nothing Ever Stuck. It Just Went In One Ear Out The Other. I Find That Atmosphere To Be Very Judgemental. Even Though They Say God Will Forgive You For Your Sins, Some Christians Do Not. They Just Judge Everything You Do As Wrong If They Wouldn't Do It Themselves.
But Really Is It Wrong? Come On, Holding Hands?? Everything Is A Chain Reaction, A Butterfly Effect. It All Happens Due To Another Instance. Its Absurd That Something As Small As Holding Hands Can Be A Sin. Its A Sign Of Love, Comfort And Safety. Is That What The Consider To Be Sinning? Is It Wrong To Comfort Someone? Is It Wrong To Love Someone? Is It Wrong To Make Someone Feel Safe?
This Entire Subject Is Very Frustrating, Therefore I Do Not Wish To Continue Writing. But, I Will Continue To Read Your Blog And I Am Waiting To Discuss The Crazy Idea You May Try To Flood Our Little Brains With... HAHA
xo Tammy
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You walked into a church without being struck by a bolt of lightning?!?
Also, what do you mean by "Crazy Idea"?
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Lol... I know, isn't it shocking that I didn't burn right when i stepped on that holy land? And, I'm just waiting for a crazy idea you may bring up... One day there will be something that we will not agree on. And that day will be soon. So beware
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I felt many things as I read this blog, Dan. Many things indeed.
First of all, I remember once writing a blog about my stance on religion and I must say, you articulated yourself with a lot more eloquence than I did. That being said I would just like to say that I was fourteen and ignorant when I wrote it. Anyway...
When I first moved to Fenelon it was a good two weeks before I had anyone to eat lunch with. I would just sit at my locker and then get yelled at by a teacher because apparently eating on the second floor was forbidden. The first person to befriend me and I mean actually befriend me, was a Christian girl. Her parents were pastors and everything. I can empathize with your feelings of being an outsider due to your lack of religious knowledge. It was terribly intimidating for me whenever I visited her house and I was always worried I would say something to offend her or her parents. I think they caught on to my non-religious ways pretty quickly because I would let "oh my God"'s and "oh Jesus"'s slip from time to time...and then I would apologise until I was blue in the face.
Anyway, they invited me to come to their Youth Groups and while we did have discussions about faith and the "holy path" a lot of the group consisted of fun outings at the public pool, paint balling, and even rock climbing. They really made me feel welcome.
One night, at a Church potluck, a pastor from another church visited and my friend introduced me to him. He took my hand and asked me if this was the church I practiced at. Red faced, I quietly mumbled that I didn't actually attend Church (when deciding where little white lies would be appropriate...that was definitely one where it would have been. I, however, like to keep things truthful). The pastor's face fell and he quickly dropped my hand and very condescendingly said "Oh, I see"...and he walked away.
I didn't go back to the youth group after that.
I don't feel guilty for not being religious and I, like you, get stirred up when I hear certain things (for example, the hand holding). I like to tell myself that I believe in a God, but right now I am lost. I feel like there is a higher power out there, but I don't know if I see it as "an old man in the sky" (Lennon). I commend you on touching on such a controversial topic. I also commend you if you've read this entire post through. I'm sorry I've written so much...but let's be fair, you complained once that I didn't comment so I am just making it up to you.
Keep writing, you're good at it.
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Unfortunately, for all the patient, down-to-earth, understanding Christians out there who remember what it was like to not be Christian, and remember that it isn't as easy as flipping a switch from heathen to holy, there's ten more who get their kicks from looking down on those who won't be joining them in heaven.
I think that holier-than-thou bible thumping crew really are detrimental to their faith. I also believe that crass, outspoken athiests are detrimental to science's cause too.
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...probably not going to keep this as brief as I should.... but here is my 1 1/2 cent(s)...I find that whenever I have a conversation of any kind about religion, I end up offending people (and/or being told I am arrogant which may, or may not, be accurate [entirely subjective]).
I also used to make 'jokes' about religion, and I enjoyed the reaction of anyone within earshot. Although what I was saying wasn't so much a joke or crude comment purely to get a rise out of people, (it was my being too uncomfortable to voice actual honest opinions on the subject in an eloquent and serious way) I enjoyed the reaction all the same. I have matured since then; my thoughts are more intricate and articulate, and I no longer enjoy offending people.
Still, even to people who would not consider themselves religious or even spiritual my views on religion,'belief', and 'spirituality'(of any flavour), as well as why humans are prone to said inclinations, are cold and dry.
I don't know how to say what it is I think we have in common, Daniel, but I think it's what people sometimes misinterpret as the 'cold and dry'. Anyway, your entry didn't end the way I thought for a bit it was going to. On account of the fact there is a lot of talk about global warming, I'd like to think that winter will announce a reunion tour.
Your herniated Budday,
Sarah
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I have some questions for you!
You've got a hernia?
How did you think the entry was going to end?
I'd like to know your specific views on religion and spirituality!
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a)until last week I was told it was a hernia, now they tell me there's a bunch of cysts inside me and they're gonna chop 'em out soon.
b)at first I thought you were going to say that you had found god.
c)k. I'll tell ya later.
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scientology...
love it, live it, believe it.
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