pills
by dannomack
Background
He told me that I had two options: talk to a professional or go the drug route, and to go home, do my own research and come back in a week. I was still only 20 at this time and covered by my parents' excellent health plan, which I discovered would have paid in-full for both counselling or medicating. I went back to my doctor and told him I thought I would go the counseling route, and asked if he could put me in touch with some professionals in the area, but he said he couldn't. As is common with clinical depression, this very slight stop in momentum really killed my enthusiasm on that idea and so I asked for drugs instead.
I ended up going on something called Wellbutrin, which lead to a combination of Wellbutrin and Effexor XR, which lead to just Effexor XR. I have been on Effexor XR by itself for slightly under a year and a half now, and this entry is mainly about that drug. A drug that my doctor ASSURED me had no negative side-effects, withdrawals or addictive traits. He proved this point when he showed me the Effexor XR section in a giant book of possible drug side-effects that he kept in his desk.
Note: in 2009 Effexor brought in $4billion worth of profit for pharmaceutical kings Pfizer (http://www.rttnews.com/ArticleView.aspx?Id=1150047) no doubt due to being pushed on unwitting people as a no-risk antidepressant.
Effexor
My first week on the drug - combined with Wellbutrin at the time - was definitely the worst week of my life in terms of discomfort and health issues. I laid on the couch with a fever, could not keep food down, and missed an entire week of classes. Any sane person would have instantly stopped taking the stuff, but I searched online for information about this happening and everything I read said that this was to be expected. So desperate was I to be happy and hopeful again, that during this search online I ignored the pleas from people begging would-be Effexor users not to go on the stuff. "It seems like a miracle-drug at first, but it's an evil evil little pill" was the general sentiment of these anti-Effexor folks. Again, though, I was so scared, lost and hopeless that I ignored these people as the "unlucky few" and concentrated only on the positive opinions telling me to stick it out and that the first horrible week is worth it.
Six months or so after beginning Effexor, I was no longer having suicidal thoughts. I no longer felt entirely alone in the world, and I was no longer frightened of getting out of bed. In fact, I felt nothing anymore. I wasn't euphoric or continuously happy by any means, but at least I wasn't constantly bummed-out like before. It isn't an overnight thing, or something you notice as it's happening like when an Advil kills your headache, and in fact I didn't really realize it had happened until long after it had happened. This paragraph seems poorly formed and hard to understand. Which I suppose lends to what the overall thesis of this entry aims to be, so I will leave it as is.
So, on the one hand, I wasn't sad anymore... on the other hand I didn't have the capacity to be happy about not being sad. I was, however, willing to take this trade. That is until 3 or 4 months ago. You see, dear readers, for as long as I have been able to form coherent sentences (and, yes, I know that by reading this it seems that I have trouble doing so to this very day) I have been telling stories. Once I learned to write, I have been writing. From the late stages of elementary school, all through high school and into University I wrote something every day. Essays and poetry were my favourites, as well as outlines for novels, novellas and screenplays. I never sat down to write the nitty-gritty of those outlines, as I found it tedious and boring to write the mundane bits between important plot points and character descriptions. I always believed that I would learn that ability and eventually turn my one passion and one talent (writing being both) into a career. Enter Effexor.
While I am now able to live a relatively normal life, unafraid of the world-at-large, it is a boring, uninspiring, empty life. I rarely have inspiration to write anymore, and when I do have a spark of creativity, it is quickly extinguished beneath a deluge of apathy before it can ignite into a flame. This blog was started as an attempt to remedy that. I thought it was just my own idleness at first, and if I created a daily blog, I would be forced to rekindle my passion for writing. That plan, as my few remaining readers can attest, failed miserably when I realised there is nothing I want to write about, and writing continued to fall by the wayside, replaced by video games and long mid-day naps.
As I mentioned earlier, 3 or 4 months ago (I cannot remember exactly, which turns out to be another VERY COMMON side-effect of Effexor: memory loss) I came to wonder if perhaps my little buddies the pills had a hand to play in all this. I recently moved, and during the move I happened to misplace my bottle of pills for a few days. I had only just renewed the prescription the week before, so I could not go back to the pharmacist for the next month's bottle, nor could I have even afforded to do so, having spent $100 on the bottle that I lost. I did eventually find the missing bottle, but what I went through over those days without it was an eye-opening experience to say the least.
Although there was no fever, I'd liken the withdrawals I went through during that time to the nightmare I endured when I first started Effexor (speaking of nightmares, vivid, terrifying dreams are another common side-effect of this risk-free drug). I was nauseous, numb and had a headache all the time. I had what are known as brain zaps (google them) on a regular basis, and felt as though I was looking at the world through a steamy window. When I did locate the pills at the bottom of a box, I dove on them like a fiend, shakily prying the bottle open, sucked one down, and laid on the floor in the fetal position until it spread through my body and my symptoms went away. It was this experience which lead me to search the internet for other people who had experienced the side-effects of this supposed side-effect free drug. I found testimonials similar to mine all over the internet, and even joined what I can only equate to a support group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2388432333&ref=ts).
The most compelling testimonials I read were from people claiming that their mental capacities for conversation, literature, mathematics and, indeed, all academia had been greatly diminished by the taking of Effexor. It had not occurred to me that perhaps my apathy towards writing (and reading for that matter, I only recently began reading again and I used to read at least one novel a month during my teen years) was directly related to this powerful brain-targeting narcotic I was taking. That was enough for me, however, if the withdrawal symptoms weren't enough, losing IQ points certainly was. I immediately made an appointment with my doctor to take myself off of Effexor.
He told me that I had to wean slowly off it, or else risk terrible withdrawals. Please note that these terrible withdrawals were not mentioned by him or any of the official Effexor literature I received at the time of prescription. So now I am down to half of what I used to take. Even while still putting it into my system daily, the withdrawals are hard, although not as crippling as cold-turkey would be. I still feel...well... dumber than I used to be. My writing, as you can tell from this entry, is still unrefined and erratic (alas I long for the days when a teacher or prof could put a topic in front of me and I would knock it out of the park in an hour every time) , but I hope that it will begin to come back around at the same time the depression begins to creep back in (which I assume it will).
So, as once I was willing to accept the trade of being a mindless, emotionless zombie for not being sad anymore, now I am more than happy to take on the coming storm of depression if it brings along the occasional puddle of inspiration with it.
Posted by DannoMack at 1/24/2010 2:25 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: wellbutrin depression effexorxr effexor ssri
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: wellbutrin depression effexorxr effexor ssri
oh my good lord this is terrifying. i am so so sorry you're going through this, but so happy that you're getting off of it. i'm not going to lie, i'm not sure what else to say
Reply to this
Thank you for writing down your experiences for fellow Effexor-ites to compare with. I have been taking the drug for just under a year now following a major breakdown, the third of its kind in my life. I am 44 and have been diagnosed with depression for over 19 years. I have tried prozaac and sort of self medicated with this over the period until now. Effexor has been much more effective BUT the fact that my memory is like someone who has alzeimers, my concentration is little more than that of a three year old and as for enthusiasm for life, since returning to work after 8 months off, last September, my life has been a constant endeavour to just find a routine that does not leave me like a zombie come 3pm in the afternoon. I have recently increased the amount of drug to 300mg and the side effects of just upping by 75mg are as bad as at the start. My husband has had to confirm this as I don't remember it too well. I have been told I will always have to take this drug now to keep my seratonin levels up and I don't mind that as the depression is too bad to even contemplate let alone live with again. Good Luck, any pills will give you side effects so don't give up on medication somewhere there must be one that doesn't cancel out so much of your personality and ability that you have to live the nightmare of depression again. Take care. Dawn
Reply to this
I really hope that if someone is out there wondering about whether to go on that stuff, they see this entry and your reply and really reconsider it!
Reply to this
How are you feeling after being off the drug for a while now bud?
Reply to this
The main issue I have had is terrible insomnia. Last night I slept for barely an hour, and the night before I slept for a little more than 3 hours. I just lay awake with my brain going a mile-a-minute. This may be a good thing actually, because perhaps my brain is waking the eff up?
Reply to this
I'm always sad & hopeless to read about fellow Effexor taker's trials & tribulations. I'm on 375 mg. and ran out and have been off of it for 2 days now. I just want to die. And the worst part is that I don't think I'll ever be able to stop taking it.
What makes even more sense after reading this is why I haven't written anything since I started taking it. I was working on my English degree in writing and quit. It's true that you feel nothing when on Effexor, I just never realized it. Thanks for writing this, for comparison and as a warning to others.
Reply to this
Dixie,
Reply to this