So Bradley Cooper's new film is about a guy who discovers Adderall?  Am I missing something?

Luke "Mike Ty"Schenn - Because the Leafs already have Keith "Muhammad" Aulie (I didn't make that nickname up.  Someone famous did, no doubt), and Luke "Mike Ty"Schenn is a better puncher than he is.

Jake "The Hurt" Locker - I've been calling Jake Locker after the implausibly overrated 2010 best-picture winner since 2009, and it hasn't caught on.  This is likely because I only call him this around the 5 or 6 guys I watch football with on weekends, and none of them happen to be Chris Berman.  My friends are such selfish fucks, why couldn't ONE of them be Chris Berman for me for just one day?  Pricks.

Anne Hathaway & James Franco didn't really do all that badly as Oscar hosts.  Hathaway was full of energy, and Franco had the Norm MacDonald dry-sociopathic-I-may-be-on-drugs-you-will-never-know-for-sure-but-I-am-going-to-continue-making-jokes-that-are-only-funny-to-me-and-my-buddy-standing-just-offstage thing going which I really liked.  Unfortunately, their material was crap, and the production was shitty as a whole.  Which means, of course, that it was all Bruce Vilanch's fault.

Plus, look how pretty they both are!  Winning!

- Ray Ferraro and Jackie Earle Haley look alike.

Which one has 898 career points and which one is Rorschach?  I can't tell either!

This weekend, Bill Simmons wrote his first truly great column in three years.  I've been a Simmons fan since I still had AOL, but over the past half-decade, he's moved to California, become a multi-millionaire and a celebrity in his own right.  More power to him, he's living my dream, but unfortunately he built his career as an everyman sportsfan who has his finger on the pulse of the Boston sports scene.  However, his latest column about the possible NFL labour stoppage is one of the best sports columns of 2011 so far.  Also, Simmons' new website with Lane Brown, Katie Baker, and Chuck Klosterman appears as though it is going to be superb in a way that makes me sad I will never get to be a part of it.  2011 may be Bill Simmons' comeback year.

In 2007, Katy Perry released the single Ur So Gay, which became her first mainstream hit.  As you can see in the video linked in the previous sentence, the song is about KP breaking up with her boyfriend because he is fashion-forward, and likes "gay" things like poetry and Mozart.  Now I don't give a fuck about whether or not it's politically correct, and neither should you, you sanctimonious prat, but I do think it's well funny that three years later she married Russel Brand.

Russel Brand is as fashion-forward as any man on the planet, wears more eye makeup than Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, and is a huge Kerouac fan.  One of my Profs likened Russel Brand to Ginsberg and Larkin in a lecture last year.  Ironic as heck, and another example of a girl complaining about her "type" but not doing anything to change it.

Don't worry, Google knows what you're going to ask...